“Well since he took his life, I am going to take mine.” She screamed into the phone with grievous venom. “Wasn’t I the love of his life?” She incessantly begged through tears and long drags of a cigarette. Yes, according to his suicide note, but her fix-it skills could not rescue him from his self-loathing, addictive personality. The night he asked her to come to him and she declined, he emptied his pill bottle and parted ways with his life. She wouldn’t accept the fact that he left because he was beyond healing and that he made a conscious choice because of all that she invested into making him feel good. Her final words to me were “But I fix everything.”
Don’t even begin to think that there is anything that you can do to fix a person. There are so many complexities in being an individual (individual being the operative word) and there is no way to be able to immerse yourself in someone else’s experience without losing yourself. There are people, however, that do this every day in relationships and they usually end up losing a lot more than their own identity. You can find fixers in myriad places. Most of the time, they are licking wounds from a childhood spent with family dysfunction, have suffered alienation from peers, and end up overcompensating by being in a similar situation to replay what they could not fix in their childhood. Their tenacity to make everything better again becomes an albatross from which they cannot escape.
The Fixer is a well-intended person. There is an overabundance of compassion that does not equally match self-care or confidence. They have an issue with receiving. They secretly do not think they are worthy, thus the strong need to fix in order to satisfy the ego. The problem with a person trying to fix everything or heal all the broken aspects of someone else is that The Fixer is seeing aspects of him/herself in the people he/she is trying to fix. When it comes to romantic connections, The Fixer may even go as far as to make the other person just like them and will not accept someone’s individuality. It is another sneaky form of control that ultimately ruins lives.
If you want to begin a relationship with someone, choose a healthy person! Trust your gut instinct about the person during the “perfection mask” time in your dating relationship. Make sure you are healthy also and have a strong sense of self. Balance your compassion and heart of service with great discernment. Without this, you will end up attracting people that are in desperate need of fixing, and you will take on their problems. If this is you, there has got to be a time when you stop being addicted to drama and take care of yourself. There is no point in trying to fix what is broken in someone else when you are broken. It is perfectly acceptable to say “no” based on what a potential partner brings to the table. Being discriminating does not mean you are a bad person, it means that you love yourself and you are concerned about your future. If you see an aspect of a partner that you want to change, then do not be with them. You must be able to accept any and all qualities, faults, and tendencies.
Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.–Hardy D. Jackson